* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try *
* And you will only come To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Gee, you know, I have this funny feeling
we forgot something.
Bud, do you have that shopping list?
Let's see.
Bread, milk, juice, eggs, cereal...
That's what we forgot.
We forgot to do the grocery shopping.
Oh, well.
Nice jacket, Mom.
Yeah.
It was expensive, but it's Daddy's money.
[CAR DRIVES UP]
Ooh. It's Daddy.
Okay. Who went shopping?
Shopping?
Not us.
We've been here all day.
Where did you get the jacket?
Oh, this old thing?
How was your day, honey?
Oh, great. Only worked half a day.
Stopped to get something to eat. Whipped out the ol' credit card.
They whipped out the ol' scissors
and cut it in half.
Over-extended again.
Anyhow, I'm a little late because I didn't have any cash,
so to pay for my grilled cheese,
I had to unload lobsters for two hours.
Nice skateboard, Bud.
Well, Bud needed a few things for school.
Which class needed a new jacket for Mommy?
It was just a cheap jacket.
I mean, it hardly cost anything.
You're just making a big deal over nothing.
You know, I was just out shopping
and I wanted to get
a little something for everybody.
What did you get for me?
Oh, that reminds me.
Here you go, Buck.
He is such a good boy.
He's a throw rug that eats.
And gets mail! Look at this.
"Buck Bundy, you may have already won $5 million."
My dog's on a mailing list?
You see, Dad,
sometimes when you order something in the mail,
your name goes on a mailing list.
Well, what did Buck send away for?
Kelly ordered him a dog collar.
It cost 40 bucks.
Where is Kelly, by the way?
Oh, she's out on a double date,
her and two guys.
Don't worry, Dad. You still got me.
Uh, Bud, what is this?
It looks like a new video game I'm sitting on?
Well, it wasn't as much as Mom's coat.
Was so.
Oh, yeah? What about the watch?
Well, what about the attitude?
"Dad'll just have to sell more shoes"?
You know, when the truck
was taking me to the lobster warehouse,
I said...
I said to Sven, "You think it's all worth it, buddy?"
And Sven said,
"When it's for the family, it's always worth it."
He also said that a lobster couldn't pinch
through an athletic supporter.
Sven was 0 for 2 today.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Next time I spend Daddy's money,
I'm spending it alone.
Hi.
This came to our house by mistake.
It's for you, Al.
It's for me?
Finally, something for me.
Wonder what it is.
Yodelin' Andy's Train Songs...
Yodelin' Andy's Yodelin' Songs...
Yodelin' Andy Yodels the Blues...
Best of Yodelin' Andy.
Oh, and Yodelin' Andy's bill for $111.
Peg?
Not me.
Bud?
Yeah, right.
That's all my record collection was missing.
Now I've got something
to put between my Trini Lopez and Burl Ives.
It's not Kelly. Our names are spelled right.
So...
So, you didn't order this?
Now, how am I going to come up with $111?
How am I going to pay $111?
Well, if you didn't have that grilled cheese sandwich,
you could've put it on your credit card.
If your father
didn't lace that lemonade with vermouth,
I'd be single.
You don't have to pay for those albums, Al.
The law says
that if you get something you didn't order,
not only do you not have to pay for it,
but you can keep it and use it.
That's how we got that Facts of Life talking scale.
Anyway, Steve's out gassing up his Mercedes.
Then we're going shopping.
Want to come, Peg?
Oh, Al, can I?
Oh, sure.
And if Sven doesn't need any more help with the lobsters,
maybe I can get a job in the zoo
circumcising the Tasmanian devils.
Nobody goes shopping till I get some more money.
As a matter of fact,
nobody goes shopping when I get some money
because I'm going to apply for more credit cards
in my name only.
Marcie, now, you work at a bank.
You guys give out credit cards, right?
Uh... No.
No, we don't.
Well, you do give out loans, though.
Uh... No.
Not anymore.
You're thinking of a different kind of bank, Al.
But you're a savings and loan, aren't you?
Well, yes, we are,
but we just call it that, you know,
to get people to come in.
Oops. I think I hear Steve.
Coming!
Oh, Steve, there you are.
We don't need her.
We don't need either of them.
Well, actually, we do need Steve,
because I don't have any gas and I don't have a credit card,
so Bud...
We'll be needing the siphoning hose.
Right, Dad.
Now, Steve's gas
ought to take care of us till Thursday,
and now, I'm going to take care of all our credit problems.
Well, you know, honey,
I don't know much about these things,
but it seems to me
that when they take a buzz saw to your credit card in public,
it's just their way of saying, "Get lost, deadbeat."
We'll just send for some we don't have.
How are they going to know you broke me?
Credit's so easy to get these days,
these companies will just fight
for a new guy like me.
Everybody said no?
No. Everybody said, "Get lost, deadbeat."
You know, the sad part is, Peg...
I lied about my income.
I do too, dear.
Hey, look.
Here's a lingerie offer for Buck Bundy.
And our assemblyman would like Buck Bundy's vote.
And this real estate agent says,
"Let me sell your house, Buck Bundy."
Is there anything there that says,
"We want to make a coat out of you, Buck Bundy"?
Al, you're just jealous of the dog.
I'm jealous of anybody not married to you.
Here's something I missed. Oh, look, it's a credit card.
Ha! See? I told you, anybody can get a credit card.
Anybody did, Al. It's for Buck.
And you couldn't even get a gas card.
Hey, Bud. Buck got a credit card.
Wow. Dad can't even get a gas card.
Hey, I know what we can all do.
Let's go down to the water treatment plant,
and you can all take turns
throwing ol' Dad in the raw sewage.
Come on, honey. It's funny.
I mean, Buck got a credit card. He didn't even apply for it.
Yeah, he didn't ask for it.
Hey, remember what Mrs. Rhoades said
about those Yodelin' Andy records?
If they send you something and you didn't order it,
you can keep it, use it, and not pay.
Oh, Al. Do you think we could?
Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck.
What are they going to do, sue a dog?
Arrest him? Cuff him?
Beat the hell out of him?
And what if they did?
Dad, I think we've just stumbled
onto a major financial breakthrough here.
You bet we did. Good boy, Buck!
Let's hit the stores.
Wait a second.
How are we going to get there?
I don't have any gas,
and gas stations don't take these cards.
[CAR DRIVES UP]
STEVE: Marcie, I'm home!
[DOOR SHUTS]
Get the siphon hose, Bud.
We're going shopping.
* Yep, they call me The yodelin' maa-aan *
* I yodel whenever I caa-aan *
* And if you try You can yo-o-odel too-oo **
Hey, Bud, did you call your sister
at her grandma's
and tell her to hurry home and enjoy this while it lasts?
Oh, yeah.
I'd never forgive myself if she missed this.
Peg, what do you want to do tonight?
Oh, I don't know.
All the stores are closed,
and there's never anything to do around the house.
Oh, I need a vacation.
That's not a bad idea.
I wouldn't mind getting out of here
for a couple of days.
Oh, gee, Al, I'd love to,
but you know it wouldn't be a real vacation
if we had to take...
Ud-bay.
She means me, Dad.
Oh.
Don't worry about me.
You deserve a good time.
I'll manage... Somehow.
Yeah, but who's going to stay with you?
Uh... Kelly! Yeah, yeah.
When I called her, she said she'd be coming home early.
Well, they've got plenty of fancy hotels downtown.
We could check in to one of those
and be only 20 minutes away.
Oh, Al, could we?
Hey.
As long as I'm not paying for it,
nothing's too good for my wife.
* Yodel-o-hoo Yodel-o-hoo *
You know, I know someone must have said it before, Peg,
but it's good to be rich.
Changes your whole outlook on things.
Here we are in the same room,
and not once have I thought
about sitting in the car, closing the garage door,
and letting the engine purr me to sleep.
I know, sweetie.
Many is the time
I've thought of you doing that too.
Well, it's all behind us now.
Anybody for some more Yodelin' Andy?
You know, Al,
maybe we should give Yodelin' Andy a rest.
We've already gotten complaints
from the neighbors in the next suite.
Ah, that champagne I sent them
ought to shut them up.
See, that's how rich people shut each other up, Peg.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, you,
the guy with his thumb in my vichyssoise...
Open the door!
We're obnoxious,
but we'll give you a big tip.
Well, then, it's okay.
If it's our children,
tell them we're not here.
Here's your bill, sir.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Peg. You got to see this.
Oh! That's more than you earn in a week!
And you didn't want to get a dog!
Let me just write in your tip.
Oh, sir!
That ought to keep you groveling.
All right. Let me sign it.
Buck Bundy.
There you go.
Did you see the look on that bellboy's face, Peg?
On his face? No.
Mr. Bundy?
I'm Bundy.
My name is Hiram S. Massey.
Sorry to disturb you while you bathe,
but my wife and I
wanted to thank you for the champagne.
It's her favorite.
Great minds drink alike.
[LAUGHING]
Where is the old bird, anyway?
Well,
she's a little shy.
Come on in, hon. It's okay.
Hi.
Thanks for the bubbly.
It's my favorite.
Thank you.
But I didn't do anything.
Oh, yeah, you did.
You old dog, you!
I could say the same thing about you.
No, you could say the same thing about her.
Gee, you have a lot of food in here.
Hiram ordered our dinner two hours ago,
but they said that all the bellboys were in here.
Do you mind if we join you?
Sure. Dive in.
Gee, Bud, I don't know why I've never noticed you before.
Yeah. You're really cute.
Thanks for the TVs.
A drop in the bucket.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oops. Must be my masseuse.
Oh, hi, Bud.
Listen, I came over to ask your father something.
He knows a lot about cars.
My new Mercedes is getting three miles per gallon.
Listen, Mr. Rhoades,
I hope you don't think I'm a bad host here,
but I'm moments away from truly understanding Hef.
Wait a second. Where did you get all this stuff?
Ooh! A ski training machine.
We can't afford a ski training machine.
I'd love to have a ski training machine.
Yeah, sure you would, Mr. Rhoades. Bye.
Wait, wait. Wait a second.
Bowling balls, radios, TV sets.
Your father is a pauper. What's going on here?
Mr. Rhoades, please,
go downstairs and play in our wine cellar.
According to Dad, all I need is a few minutes.
Uh, Bud, I'm going to make this short and sweet.
Your father has a lot of stuff. I want some stuff too.
All I want to know is, how did he get it?
Dad told me not to tell you.
Bud...
Coming, dear.
Bud, we have to be home soon.
But I've got all night.
Okay, Rhoades, you win.
They gave Buck a credit card.
Dad's using it because he didn't ask for it,
so he doesn't have to pay.
You know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Did he happen to sign Buck's name
to the receipts?
Sure.
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.
You might want to let him know.
Well, he's sort of at a hotel.
Then he's sort of in big trouble.
Gee, Bud, what's the matter?
Nothing that can't wait.
Peggy, are you sure
you don't want to join us in here?
No, thanks. I'm fine right here.
Here's your bill, sir.
Let me get that.
No, no, no. My tub, my grub. Just put it on my tab.
Ooh!
Oops!
Sorry.
Did you drop the soap again, sweetie?
I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.
Well, if you can't find that one,
I have a nice fresh bar
I'm sure we could find someplace to stick.
Peg!
Now, they're guests in our tub.
It was a total accident.
You can look for the soap all you want, dear.
Ooh!
Oops!
You know, Bundy--
Buck.
Buck. I could use a man like you.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Carlos, "el fono."
I wish you were available.
I need somebody to manage my operations
in Houston.
You'd be perfect.
You know anybody like you
who wouldn't mind starting out at 100 grand a year?
He'll take it! I'll take it!
Oh, now, Buck,
we're talking a lousy 100 grand here.
Why would you want to start over
on the bottom?
Oh, my husband belongs at the bottom.
He loves the bottom.
In fact, he is the bottom.
Here's some soap. Play, play, play.
Oh!
Mr. Massey, my husband needs the bottom.
I mean, sure, the money is a joke.
Just send me the check and give him the job.
Well...
Mrs. Bundy,
I have a message from your son.
I am very busy.
Oh, it's a very interesting message.
Well, it was nice to be rich, even if just for a little while.
And now we're poor again.
I'm just sorry you had to give everything back.
Not everything, Mom.
You know,
luckily, the credit card company was so embarrassed
about giving a dog a credit card,
they decided not to press charges.
They just impounded the stuff.
Where's Dad?
Well, it seems that you can't impound
$1500 worth of hotel services and food,
so we all got together and we discussed it.
Everyone was real nice.
And the upshot is...
Daddy will be working days in the shoe store...
And nights... Well...
Boy!
Yes, ma'am?
My lobster's cold.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Oh, and... Buck...
I need someone to scrub my back.
I'm an excellent tipper.
Good boy, Buck.
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]